There’s so much to say about my experience, I honestly don’t know where to start.
Here is one thing I know for sure: It’s definitely a love-hate relationship. and I know that I can’t let it go, I can’t rip it apart from me and forget about something that made me who I am today.
Let’s start with the bad first, because I’d like to end this on a good note.
Sometime’s I don’t really like “the business”, to me, it’s a bit materialistic, and mostly about the money, which I understand completely, everything is all about the money now, not just acting alone.
I don’t believe the other people auditioning in the same room are my competition, I believe we’re all in the same room for the same purpose and each of our own individuality is what will get us the job, not who’s better looking or the thinnest, but sometimes, I walk into the waiting room and I can sense people’s competitiveness, do you know what I mean?
Like, “I’m totally better looking than she is, She’s not getting the job”
It’s just a sort of vibe I get.
Maybe it’s just in my head, who knows?
Sometimes I feel like it’s all just looks based and is very materialistic, and I know that plays a big part, I know we have to “look the part” but sometimes I honestly hate it, it gets to be too much and overwhelming sometimes. It causes me anxiety, because I feel like there’s SO much to juggle: looks, connections, roles, lines, representation…a JOB, what you do and say around people who can, literally, change your life. sometimes it feels like I can’t concentrate and focus on just one thing… and the goal I want to reach seems so far away.
sometimes I just want to scream, because I honestly can’t take it.
But most of the time, I really want it….REALLY want it.
Even though it’s made me a loner, even though it’s taken some people who I would have preferred to stay in my life, even though it’s caused me more pain, and disappointment, I know now, that it’s the universe way of letting me know that these people aren’t meant to join me on this journey, that there’s a plan and sometimes, what it’s best for me, isn’t always what will make me the happiest.
I still want to do it, because It’s also brought me wisdom, connected me to even more amazing people, and have made me who I am, I have literally met a person from every part of the country in this journey and it’s so interesting, because I’ve realized we’re all almost the same, we all have the same drive to something, and the same emotions, we all really want to be happy.
When I was younger, I never liked to go out, I loved books, movies, stories, imagination, I thought they were real, I feel them like their real, like they were a part of me (still are). When I was sixteen, and I chose to pursue acting professionally, I had a dream, of my success, I was on the red carpet, being interviewed, and another dream, and another one, and I realized that this is what I am meant to do, I am certain, even through the heartache, through the disappointment, I feel like, from my gut, that this journey is the one I am meant to embark on, and that the people who will respect my choices, and will want to be a part of my life, are the ones that will join my journey, and the ones that don’t respect me at all, are not.
When I watch a show, or a movie, my chest feels alive, my heart is beating so so so fast, and I feel awake, even if I have little to no sleep on a long day, when I come home and turn that TV on, everything disappears, and I feel inspired. On moments like these is when I know, for sure, that I am meant to go through what I am going through, that my journey is on the right path, and that I am going to continue doing this no matter what, no matter the pain, the struggle, the disappointments, no matter what is going on in my life; because I’d rather struggle to a life that will become my vacation than struggle my entire life and live through unhappiness, because my disappointments are worth it if I get to feel that feeling in my chest every single time I am doing something that I love.
Besides, it’s not all heartache and pain, I have my little wins sometimes.
This is my Journey.