As an actress, I was taught to follow every impulse I get, to follow my gut and to trust my gut instinct, because nine times out of ten, they’re always right; not only do I try to follow this with acting but I do this in real life too, sometimes.
Not long ago, I chose to pursue my psychology degree, fearing that I wont be able to pursue acting. I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to go back to school because I always felt I didn’t belong there, I thought it wasn’t for me. I was never a bad student, but I wasn’t satisfied following the system, my mind was always elsewhere.
I spoke to someone who mentioned maybe trying going back, that it won’t hurt, and that it can possibly work and I might end up liking it and finishing my degree. I thought, “well, why not?” It sounds like a good idea, I’d like to get my bachelor’s degree and figure out more about how and why people are the way they are, its always been an interest of mine and it goes with my ultimate dream, my acting career; I can always stop it, if it doesn’t feel right and its not making me happy.
I chose to major in psychology.
I thought, ” It won’t hurt” So I began the paperwork, I searched for colleges, applied to them and got accepted to my first choice. I wasn’t thrilled, I was just okay with it. I was totally okay with the idea that maybe going back was good for me, I love learning so why not try this for me? It’d be good, I thought.
But what I found interesting was that, my thoughts never changed, I was just going to try it, I wasn’t thrilled but I wasn’t upset and I wasn’t 100% sure with my decision. It was just a thing I was going to do for the hell of it. I knew why I chose psychology, I’ve had a purpose for studying psych, but I could read all about it, I love reading; I just wasn’t sure why I chose to go back to school for it.
Finally, I registered for classes and the day arrived to attend school. The first thought that went through my mind was, “what have I done?” It felt like I made a mistake from the moment I saw the crowd of people in the building. Still, in my head, I kept telling myself, “you’re just trying it.” So I marched on, I attended the first, second, third and last class of the day. All the teachers introduced themselves, and it was all just O-K-A-Y.
When I arrived home, spoke to my grandmother, my aunt and my mom, and balled out crying like a baby. I realized it wasn’t right for me. I also realized I had a headache all day long, it was something that did not feel right for me at all. I was disappointed because I thought it’d be good for me, but it turned out it wasn’t. That night, I wasn’t able to sleep, and I cried myself to sleep, the next morning? I woke up crying about my decision… I wanted out.
and that’s exactly what I did.
I told everyone I couldn’t continue, it didn’t feel right, I wasn’t happy, plus it made me feel wrong, I kept having migraines! and usually I’m the type of person who listens to their body, I really felt it was telling me something. In this case, it was really telling me to get out.
I spoke to everyone about my decision and regardless if they supported or not, I was still going to follow through (they did support btw!) and instantly after my paperwork was done, I felt an instant relief!
Which told me not going back was honestly the best choice for me, as I didn’t want any of my classes to keep me from pursuing acting, immediately after I stopped attending, I booked two films plus a commercial!
I am a firm believer that if things don’t feel right in your entire being, your intuition is communicating to you they are wrong for you. It’s a different feeling from fear and it’s certainly different from a plain-old, “I just don’t want to do it”. you physically feel wrong deep within, and the only way you feel better is by getting out, to making it disappear, which is what I did, and immediately felt completely better.
I’m an actress in pursuit of happiness and finding my truth. Through my writing I am able to release my thinking without being judged or having the need to impress people in this crazy world we’re living in. I hope that through my experience I inspire you to find your truth and version of happiness.