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Hurt people, Hurt other people.

I’ve realized that there are a lot of negative people out there, I won’t say around the world, because I haven’t traveled much, but in New York, which is where I am currently living, there’s pretty much a negative person everywhere you turn. I’m strong though, I am learning to build up a strong wall when I encounter negativity to keep my heart soft and gentle as always. The reason why I’m writing this post is because I recently had an encounter where I was not only very rude to someone, but I was disrespectful and very mean; why I said it does not excuse what I said, but it certainly inspired me to write this post and gave me a thought on why a lot of people come off very strong with their attitude, even if sometimes, they don’t realize it.

I was dating this guy who was wonderful in the beginning, he was doing everything right, he was giving me attention, affection, and his time, which is essential in building a romantic relationship, I was beginning to finally like this guy, I was happy I didn’t have to go online dating again (which honestly is boring sometimes) and I was glad I was beginning to learn how to actually do this relationship thing (or so I thought), with my previous break-up, I thought I’d be alone forever, everyone sucked and I’ll never like a guy ever again, this new dude change my mind, which was great, I like it when people prove me wrong with things that are good for me.

Anyway, As we began to exclusively date, he stopped asking me to hangout, stopped wanting to call me, on days when we would both be off, he would say he had nothing to do (and I’d be dying for him to ask me to hang out) and he wouldn’t budge, he would go and hang out with his friends. I was beginning to get frustrated, and I realized he never once asked me to hang out, it was always me asking me, it was always me calling him, it was me making the effort! now, don’t get me wrong, when we would hang out, he would be charming, very affectionate and, just a complete gentleman; but I wanted to see if he was really interested in me so….

I stopped calling, I stopped asking him to hang out, I even stopped texting him to see if he would at least check up on me….guess what?? nope! he wouldn’t even check if I was alive, no text, no ring, nothing. It’s as if he had forgotten he asked me to be his girlfriend, the conversations we’ve had, the talks on the phone, I was beginning to put my wall down, just vanished! My wall is up, I am guarded and I am frustrated that he isn’t showing me any interest at all!! and of course, because I didn’t want to seem like the crazy girl who had it all wrong in my head, I swallowed my feelings, I didn’t follow my own gut! which is the total opposite of what I learned in life.

I will never do that again! my gut is ALWAYS right.

I decided I will not keep my mouth shut, he was having all the fun while I was unhappily watching and hearing him have a blast, nope I exploded! I yelled and told him his behavior and told him how unhappy he’s making me, how he sucks as a boyfriend and no wonder is ex-girlfriend cheated on him… I went low and wanted to hurt him just as much as I was hurting, I was also enjoying it for a little bit, it was so liberating to make him feel exactly how I felt; he had to hear a thing or two before he played me (which was what was going through my mind at the time.)

The next morning, I realized what I had said and my consciousness came to haunt me, “this is not who you are”. I was disappointed and embarrassed and I was sorry I hurt his feelings, It’s something I shouldn’t have done and it’s something I don’t want people to do to me. Fortunately he forgave me and said something along the lines of, “people do things when they’re upset”.

Which is the reason for my post, I think the reason why there are so many angry people is because they’re unsatisfied about something, someone or a situation in their life isn’t going the way they want it to and because they feel like they can’t take actions and change their circumstances themselves, they start to lash out and blame everyone else but themselves. It’s like when a teen in high school is considering suicide, obviously it can’t compare, but it’s a cry out for help, or a bully; they are probably going through something at home and lash out their anger into a kid who feels like they can defend themselves.

There’s a reason for why we do things, always.

xoxo,

S

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