I have a confession to make: I have realized my anxiety has been stopping me from fully giving myself to acting.
I think about acting and how much I love it, how much I’ve given myself to this journey, my process, how much I’ve grown, how strongly I feel about my purpose to this craft, how, many, many times, I have felt like I am meant to do this for the rest of my life and how much fun and alive and excited I feel when I perform and immerse myself in the craft.
BUT (and I am going to really emphasize this word)
When I think about fully immersing, I get incredibly scared, so scared I can’t breathe, so scared I feel my life depended on this decision (which it really does.) and I am frustrated that I give power to this, I am frustrated that I let this fear stop me, I let it get the best of me and I let it stop me from my full potential.
Right now, I really don’t know how to control it, how to view this as a challenge that I’d be more than willing to take. Right now, I see this as something that will prevent me from fully living my life, this scares me so much I feel a pressure build up in my chest, my heart beats faster and it literally fills like I will die.
When I feel this way, thoughts like, “how will I support myself? what if I don’t make it? I really want to be successful; so many people have busted their asses and still don’t make it, will I be one of them” it’s certainly a lot of “what if’s” that really drive me insane and are taking the best of me. When it comes to something else, I am really good at handling anything, I think, but I am having a really difficult time understand why this challenge is getting the best of me.
I understand I am not my thoughts, and I understand that there is also a chance of me actually succeeding if I do go full out and really focus on acting. I am certain I will be happier doing things I love. I am afraid of rejection from people I want to be around, though I know a lot of people wont accept the fact that I want to be an artist, as I’ve experienced before, and I have accepted that I will deal with rejection forever and I have and it’s seriously, no a big deal.
which is fine.
My question is, why are my thoughts going straight to the negative outcome? why can’t I fully give in? Why are these particular thoughts much stronger than my other negative thoughts? It’s my current dilemma.
I’m an actress in pursuit of happiness and finding my truth. Through my writing I am able to release my thinking without being judged or having the need to impress people in this crazy world we’re living in. I hope that through my experience I inspire you to find your truth and version of happiness.