I have a confession to make: I have realized my anxiety has been stopping me from fully giving myself to acting.

I think about acting and how much I love it, how much I’ve given myself to this journey, my process, how much I’ve grown, how strongly I feel about my purpose to this craft, how, many, many times, I have felt like I am meant to do this for the rest of my life and how much fun and alive and excited I feel when I perform and immerse myself in the craft.

BUT (and I am going to really emphasize this word)

When I think about fully immersing, I get incredibly scared, so scared I can’t breathe, so scared I feel my life depended on this decision (which it really does.) and I am frustrated that I give power to this, I am frustrated that I let this fear stop me, I let it get the best of me and I let it stop me from my full potential.

Right now, I really don’t know how to control it, how to view this as a challenge that I’d be more than willing to take. Right now, I see this as something that will prevent me from fully living my life, this scares me so much I feel a pressure build up in my chest, my heart beats faster and it literally fills like I will die.

When I feel this way, thoughts like, “how will I support myself? what if I don’t make it? I really want to be successful; so many people have busted their asses and still don’t make it, will I be one of them” it’s certainly a lot of “what if’s” that really drive me insane and are taking the best of me. When it comes to something else, I am really good at handling anything, I think, but I am having a really difficult time understand why this challenge is getting the best of me.

I understand I am not my thoughts, and I understand that there is also a chance of me actually succeeding if I do go full out and really focus on acting. I am certain I will be happier doing things I love. I am afraid of rejection from people I want to be around, though I know a lot of people wont accept the fact that I want to be an artist, as I’ve experienced before, and I have accepted that I will deal with rejection forever and I have and it’s seriously, no a big deal.

which is fine.

My question is, why are my thoughts going straight to the negative outcome? why can’t I fully give in? Why are these particular thoughts much stronger than my other negative thoughts? It’s my current dilemma.

xx,

S.

via Daily Prompt: Complication

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