It’s been one year since my break-up. Something I thought I wouldn’t survive, but I did. I was so in love, so dependent of this other being, I lost sight of who I was, of who I wanted to become and made my ex the complete sun of my universe. My thoughts were about him, my happiness was about him, everything I wanted be and do, was for him, and his happiness. I didn’t matter, only my love for him did.
How pathetic does that sound? I am not saying I’m pathetic, I’m saying that girls making someone else other than themselves their universe is pathetic and sad, and now it’s scary as hell. I love being in love, I love romance, the idea of it, everything about it, I love love. I was so in love, but something inside of me kept tugging at my chest, “remember what you want from life” I felt my intuition tell me, but this person kept saying, “forget about everything and focus on me, us, and how much we make each other happy.”
I have never felt so scared, it was extremely difficult. I felt my life go upside down when this happened, I began to have anxiety, I didn’t have a job, I was graduating acting school, so it wasn’t like I was going to keep myself busy to forget about him, my close circle was crumbling: everyone was going their own route and pursue their career, I was scared of being alone, I began thinking I’ll never meet anyone, and everything I planned with him, my future, my family, my life, my life with this person, began to crumble down, completely, and I brgan to feel lost, and uncertain about everything.
it was like I was starting life all over again and I didn’t like it, I was a real mess.
but I survived, I promised myself, and thought about this everyday, that I wasn’t going to become a victim, I was not the victim and this person will never get the best of me, I will make sure he regrets his decision and begs me to come back to him. I’ve not only promised myself to thrive, but I promised myself to love myself more than anybody ever or will ever love me. I have made myself my sun and I try to make myself happy everyday. Even if I struggle, even if I’m lonely; I’ve prioritized my well-being over anybody else, because I deserve it, because I have to value me more than I can ever expect someone to value me, because if I keep chasing everyone else’s approval and acceptance and love for me? most of the time I will never find it, and I will be the one losing in the end.
After the break-up, I began to realize that I’ve never thought about me as someone I could love. I never put myself or my feelings first, It was never about me, it was always about them and wanting someone else to rescue me and make me happy, because that was the only way I knew how to make myself happy, through somebody else.
Why is it that we do this? I’m sure I’m not the only one.
I began by focusing on my acting career, then later running in the park, and/or spending time reading and writing by the river. I’ve spent time reading at coffee shops, I’ve bought myself gifts, and pampered myself and began journaling about myself, writing my thoughts and making lists of the things I want to do, I traveled and had two jobs. Overall, I was beginning to find myself and pick myself up on my own, without waiting for the prince that might never arrive.
I have realized that I can do the things I like to do without waiting for someone to take me to do them. I’ve realized how strong I can be, how strong I’ve become and how much I’ve learned to love myself on this year on my own. I’ve become strongly independent and I love not depending on people for things. I’ve also realized that, when I’m dating, I choose the guy I like, the guy doesn’t choose me; My insecurity was so low, I had to work on myself to make it better and this was a thing that wasn’t someone else’s job to do, just mine.
It’s not a forever thing, I’ve grown and I know better on the type of guy I like for future dating. Anyway, I’m honestly just enjoying my single time, I am learning to love myself without searching for someone else to love me. Then, when the time is right; the nice guy to date will come.