I’ve been feeling a little more than a little insecure lately and I’ve decided to write about it to release my stress, I’m not turning this post into a soap or anything but I hope that this writing helps you feel less alone in what you’re going through.
I have realized that not only have I been feeling insecure, but I’ve found myself a lot more in my head lately. I feel like I am surrounded by angry folks who criticize you for the smallest thing, even when it’s your first time doing something, it’s like the disappointment is already there, and they can’t even fathom the thought of you not knowing because they know and “so should you.”
I know I don’t like people like that, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder about not being up to how they think I should be. I know it’s wrong to be that way and I don’t want to say, ” I can’t help being that way.” It’s just, sometimes, I want to just be, without having to feel like I have to act up to someone else’s stands to be accepted in their eyes, you know what I mean?
I feel at my best and most comfortable when I’m alone, without people around me. Although sometimes I can feel very alone. I enjoy and am glad for my alone time. I don’t have to pretend, or constantly smile for someone else’s benefit. I’m honestly just being. I feel liberated and open, no insecurities. Honestly, I feel like my true self.
I wish I could be that way when I’m around people I care about. I wish the ego didn’t get in the way of who we’re truly meant to be and I really wish we could be ourselves, without judgement or of fear of being judged. I wish we didn’t have to pretend and sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to worry about someone else’s opinion of me.
This is why I love acting and being surrounded by that world, a lot of them (at least the ones I’ve met) are accepting of other people, they don’t criticize and they understand that there’s no such thing as perfection (at least coming from other people.) If they don’t agree with a certain point of view, it’s totally okay and they don’t show disappointment when you don’t know how to do something, specially if it’s your first time.
I think I’ve been feeling like this because I’ve been feeling alone more than usual. I’ve let people get to me and it’s begun affecting my self-confidence. I’ve surrounded myself with a little bit of a negative vibe and that’s caught up to me and it’s latched on for just a little bit.
I’ve become aware of this and I’m glad I have been able to realize that I need to go back to take care of myself. Slowly but surely, I have faith that I will get back to my usual happy-self through meditation, hot baths; reading and disconnecting from social media and doing a little self-reflection.
To be honestly without, I will admit that I’m scared, of losing myself; of ending unhappy and not going to where I’d like to be. I feel like I have such high expectations of myself, my future, that sometimes I get overwhelmed and don’t really know what to do with myself.