When I was sixteen, I planned my future very detailed, like I was able to see it as if I was already there. I knew the career I wanted to work in, the success I’d reach, the houses I’d have, when and how they’d look like, the husband I’d have, and the kids I’d have, also the age of when I’d have them. I had my life set out clearly and completely, I was certain it would go this way, there was no doubt about it.
Seven years later, I am in the same room of where I planned my future, but I’m different now, I am very uncertain and sometimes I’m very afraid. I don’t know if I’ll meet a guy, I’m not sure what I want anymore, I feel like I have no sense of direction and as much I want to get to success (or at least, society’s idea of success) I don’t have a clear idea of where my life is going.
This is both good and bad: good because I’m losing expectation, sometimes things don’t go as planned and having no expectation means I won’t be extremely disappointed with the outcome (in this case, my life). It’s also good because life is uncertainty, I’m currently learning to be okay with not knowing how things will be and it gives my life a sort of wonder, plus it also forces me to live in the moment and stay present with what is going on around me. it’s bad because I think since I’m a little bit of a type A personality, I don’t have a sense of control, I feel like I don’t have a purpose, I don’t know what to do, or where to go, or who to be, and I’m uncertain of who I’m becoming, I know for a fact I want to be proud of who I am, and so far, I am, but I want more from life.
I have been wanting to be an actress since I can remember, but I also want to study psychology for this blog, and I feel like going to school for psychology, will rid me of my title of being an artist and for some reason, I’m afraid. I’m afraid because. acting is who I am, is all I know and is all I’ve ever wanted to know, but is I don’t go back to school, I feel I will regret this decision and my life will stay in a constant circle, I know my acting career is slowly moving upwards but my writing is also something I love. I find myself in this inner battle with my sense of being and something I want and I wonder if it’s normal to feel this way, this uncertainty and doubt to where my life is headed.
I know I’m not the only one in this world that feels this way, sometimes, in the moment, it feels like I’m the only one that is experiencing this feeling.