I have been wanting to fit in for as long as I could remember, I wanted to be liked by many people and have many friends and have a boyfriend.
Boy, how badly did I really want a boyfriend.
I wanted to be the mean girls from mean girls and say things like, “my boyfriend and I”
Because really, that’s all I heard everywhere and I felt I wasn’t part of the popular group.
But it never happened, I was the outcast, people found me weird, different, didn’t like me for who I was, boys always chose the skinner girls, I never had the hot boyfriend or was the cool girl, I always ended up wondering if there was something terribly wrong with me, what didn’t I have to get the cool, pretty friends and the hot guy?
I talked like the people I wanted to be liked by, I tried dressing like them. Most of the time, I even behaved like them! I told them what they wanted to hear so that they could like me, I always put their needs before mine and always wanted to serve them for everything, as if this behavior would finally make them like me.
It never felt right, this never felt right, they never ended up liking who I was and I was always disappointed when they chose someone else who was much cooler than I was (or so I thought). “Gosh why don’t they like me, what is wrong with me?” I kept asking.
I never understood this need to be accepted or be liked by everyone else, I knew that I felt like there was something really wrong with me, I held everyone else up on a pedestal but myself, I cared more about them than myself and I accepted them for who they were but me, it was always about them, never myself.
It also never felt right, like I was hurting myself in some way but I was never able to figure it out. On top of it all, I hated myself for not being like everyone else, I hated myself for being different.
The funny thing is, the minute I gave that up (which was hard btw), everything began to fall into place, I let go of those people who weren’t suited for me, I disconnected myself from social media to focus (which was a good but hard thing at the time) and I gave myself space.
I gave myself the space I needed to grieve my deprivation of self-love, I gave myself time and I cried and cried for so long, I suffered and realized what I really wanted, I isolated myself from everyone and was alone for a little while. It was very difficult in the beginning, but now I realized that was necessary for my self-love journey.
I began to accept the fact that I was never going to be like anybody but myself. I began to let go of wanting to be liked by everyone else, and I realized that the people who will like you, will like you for who you are, and the people that don’t? Well, they don’t serve any purpose in your life; because at the end of the day? Your life is about making you, and only you, happy.
And that’s what I’ve been realizing through my journey.
When you start to feel a lot of negative feelings towards someone, wether its your best-friend or a boyfriend, and this person makes you feel negative about yourself, this is the universe letting you know that you have to start serving yourself and let go of serving someone else, because your life is all about you and your happiness.
You have to fight the urge to fit in, because there will always be people out there who will dislike you for, literally, no reason at all, it could be just your smile, and make you feel horrible about yourself. The universe is always talking to you and talking care of your, a lot of people are so distracted, it make it hard to listen. Don’t be afraid of putting yourself before anybody else, they will always be unsatisfied about something meaningless to hurt you.
Happy February ♥️