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Decisions without the influence of other people.

Why is that people want to be included in what everyone else is doing?

I don’t get it.

I never found interest in something just because it has a crowd, I felt curious about it of course, but my decisions were never influenced by someone else.

I think its ridiculous.

I work at two different restaurants and when it’s really slow, people don’t want to be inside and/or hang out because it doesn’t have a huge crowd.

Why?

I mean, I understand sometimes that can say something about the restaurant, but wouldn’t you like to have that opinion for yourself?

Why would you value someone else’s opinion over your own? What is it about that other person’s opinion that makes it so much better than yours?

Really think about it this one.

It’s not only that… but there are so many people out there, that want you to do things that they’re not willing to do themselves,

And we really listen and take them into consideration… they say “jump”, we say “how high.”

I think it’s because we’re so afraid of being totally different, and we’re scared of standing out from the crowd in a way that isn’t like the popular crowd.

I used to behave this way, but it always left me unsatisfied, and I always felt like I had to prove myself to the group I was around with, in a way that made me similar to them.

Do you understand what I am saying? I hope so!

I always felt like I had to shrink because I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough to be different from my “friends”, I always felt forced to be like the people I thought were so much better than I was… for their approval. Because I thought their approval of me made me worthy of who knows what now.

But then I realized I was only hurting myself.

Really, extremely bad.

When I was sixteen, I chose to become an actress and pursue it as a professional career choice, and the minute I confessed to it to my friends (or so I thought they were), the first thing they did was laugh! They not only laughed but they said I couldn’t do it, that it wasn’t going to happen and then literally, burst out laughing, as if it was the greatest joke in the entire world.

And I asked them why, but their answer was just, “no”.

And I didn’t get it!

Then I also came to my guidance counselor from school and told her the same thing, “I am committed to pursuing an acting career”

This was her response, “Honey, I’m not sure that’s a good idea, those people are different from you, you’re not like them, those people look a certain way.”

Again, I didn’t understand, so I asked her to explain.

She said, “those people are just very good-looking, and you’re not. You need to look a certain way and be a certain size”

“Ahhh”, now I get it.

I realized they wanted to keep me where they were, in their tiny minds and small circles. I realized it wasn’t liberating or comforting to conform, to be liked or be appreciated for something someone else thinks it’s good for them, I realized I was starting to feel trapped by their point of view of how I should be.

At the time, I didn’t know what came to me, but I wanted to disconnect and not be around them anymore. I was a prisoner in someone else’s world, and that was making me suffer, immensely.

Then I started to see the light, I started to feel my experience and my decisions and I started to see my own life, alone. I started to find my own voice with my experience, My choices and my world without the fear of being rejected by people who, really, don’t know any better than me.

I started to feel liberated.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend like it wasn’t difficult, it was veeeeeery difficult, I suffered from being alone, I had (and sometimes still have) negative thoughts, about myself and I still get a lot of anxiety.

But I am certain that, although I know there will still be hard times coming sometimes, those really difficult moments of depression are behind me.

And I am living my life, my story, and I am still a really happy human being and I honestly love who I am now. I don’t know who I would be without the courage to become my own person.

Plus I think I am more confident now than before and I don’t take shit from anyone, specially those that try to push what they think I should do on me.

Now, I take pride in my individuality.

Like, if you really want me to do something so bad, why don’t you just do it yourself? And tell me all about it instead?

xoxo,

S.

 

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