I’m terrified of this decision, I decided to go back to school, and earn my bachelors, and for some reason I don’t understand why, the thought of going is so scary to me. The thought just randomly came up in my head, and I applied to a couple of schools for the hell of it ( I didn’t really made it a big deal) and now my first choice accepted me, I was surprised, but the first thing that built up was a fear in my chest. This is what’s going through my head: I want to be an actress, become a film actress and walk down the red carpet, but my fear with going back to school is that I won’t have time to pursue my dreams fully.
I don’t understand why this is happening so I’ve decided to write about it.
I value education 100% and I believe it’s the first step to pursuing the dreams you want to live, educating yourself in your passion. I’ve always wanted to educate myself in whatever I was interested in, Recently I’ve had it in my head that I wanted to study psychology for my writing purposes, and understanding more how the brain works is also great for my acting skills as well.
But i’m having a difficult time understanding why is it that I have this wall up in my chest? I can feel something holding me back. It feels as though if I go ahead and study psychology, I’d lose my artistic title, and I don’t want to ever let go of the thing that made me who I am, of who I have become.
I have known I wanted to become an actress professionally since I was sixteen, I studied the acting technique I wanted to, I graduated and signed with a wonderful manager, I have struggled and have become a strong human being because of acting, I have matured and have found myself because of acting, I had stayed out of trouble and have continued to grow because of acting. Acting has been my defining word, my life, both my sadness and happiness and I was never interested in something else or have done anything else until now and it’s scary, as if I am going away from who I am.
for me, It’s not about the diploma itself, it’s about learning, growing into the person I want to become, there are many successful people that value education as a way to get to success and I am one of those people. The other day I was listening to a motivational podcast and this is what I heard:
I feel like deep within me, I know what I have to do for my best interest, for my future.
Time will only tell.
It’s how they feel better about themselves
There is something going inside of these people that makes them feel so much better than you are by making you feel like you don’t the deserve the blessings that are going on in your life. They will make snarky little comments at you, judge you for who you are and will purposely force you to be like them, or else you’re not even good enough as a simple human being, it’s very pathetic.
These people have nothing going for themselves, they are lazy, ignorant, not smart, and there is always something going on with them, negatively, always some drama going on in their life. They brag about their negativity like it’s something to talk about, and instead of working toward making their life better, they purposely cause drama to other people, they drag everyone down with them and will make sure you stay there, below them.
This is what they feed on, this is what makes their life look great.
They are abusers.
You have become strong enough to stand up to yourself and don’t let them get the best of you, they will try, and try and try until they know they have you under their finger. you have to be strong enough to protect yourself and your little soul from negative people like these, you have to not lash out and give them the benefit of getting upset by their negative comments, quietness is what will keep them wrapped around under your finger, is your way of getting back at them.
If you have to be alone for a while to disconnect from negative people, be strong enough to build that courage to stand alone to get you to happiness. love yourself and who you’ve become and don’t allow people to stand in the way of that, beautiful souls will praise each other, not bring each other down.
The Wisdom of Insecurity
This book wasn’t exactly what I expected it to be, it’s a bit of a dry read for those that like more of the up beat inspirational reading, very intellectual, and being a lefty and in the arts world, that’s not something I’d choose, it’s boring. I mean, It’s a great read for an atheist, although it also talks about why we have religion, and why both being an atheist or believing in god have their good reasons to exist.
They remind me of Napoleon Hill’s books, dryer than a desert.
Anyway, I am a very anxious being, and I am in a constant state of worry, though I’m a work-in-progress and am figuring out my state of bliss everyday. I try NOT to think about my future everyday: such as, “will I ever buy my grandmamma a house?”, “is what I’m doing now beneficial for my future?” are thoughts that are always flooding my brain.
I loved that this books reminded me of my acting school, I studied an acting technique called the Meisner Technique, and basically it taught me how to just be in the moment, to live in the moment while I’m in a scene.
gosh how I miss those wonderful days.
This (the acting technique) also helped me with living my life, because living in the moment is what life is really all about.
This book is explaining just that, to be in the moment, to not worry about the future because the future doesn’t exist anywhere but in your head, and you can’t do anything about your past, so let-it-go. People find comfort in religion, because they believe they will receive eternal peace after life, while atheists believe in living your most life until you shut off and sleep forever, both are good in their own way.
Let’s me give you a small description of this book: “We live in an age of unprecedented anxiety. Spending all our time trying to anticipate and plan for the future and to lamenting the past, we forget to embrace the here and now. We are so concerned with tomorrow that we forget to enjoy today. Drawing from Eastern philosophy and religion, Alan Watts shows that it is only by acknowledging what we do not—and cannot—know that we can learn anything truly worth knowing. In The Wisdom of Insecurity, he shows us how, in order to lead a fulfilling life, we must embrace the present—and live fully in the now.”
I do agree, that we are living in a world of showing more of ourselves, having more, flashing more. There is so much social media to splatter everything out there that, to me, it can seem very overwhelming. Sometimes, I feel very motivated about planning my future, but I do understand the anxiety coming from future planning, sometimes thing’s just don’t work out the way you want them to and the fear of not getting to your expected potential can be scary-ass-hell.
I’ve been there, so it was good to be reminded to live in the present and just focus on making myself happy now, to not worry about something that’s yet not here and to let go of the thing I can’t undo, the past.
would I recommend it? I think so, yes.
Sometimes I feel like we forget that each and everyone of us is uniquely different.
From a young age, we start to believe that being like everyone else is actually a good thing, in high school we lied about things just so the other, much cooler kids would like us, we do what our friends tell us and let peer pressure get the best of us, we hate our parents for not letting us do things the other cool kids do; we just want to be liked and loved and praised, so we do these things, we forget about who we are, and let someone else run the show, because we want to badly to be recognized by someone that made up in our heads are awesome… because everyone else in your circle seems to think so.
People think that because you’re different, or don’t like what everyone else does: you’re immediately uncool, people don’t like you, you’re the weird one (and god forbid your weird, that’s the worst thing that could happen…in high school.) especially in High School, everyone wants you to be like everyone else so bad, you just want to fit in, blend with the crowd, not have people around you say negative things about you, you want to be like everyone else, and you will absolutely do anything that’s possible for it.
The thing for me was that I felt so wrong to be different, I hated myself for not being like everyone else, I wanted so much to be “normal” I wanted to be liked and have similar interest with cooler friends, prettier friends, I just wanted sameness because it made me feel like I belonged in the world, I lied, I gossiped, I did things, just so people could like me. It was never about me, it was always about them, I wanted to make them happy, because I didn’t matter, specially if I wanted to be liked by this person, I apologized for my difference and hid it very well (or at least tried to), I didn’t know who I was, I just knew that I was able to read people well enough to change for them, so that they could, eventually, like me, or not.
Gosh, and when the person didn’t like me? I was frustrated, I didn’t understand why they didn’t like me! I was nice, I tried making them happy! It was just insane that they didn’t like me! thoughts like, “what is wrong with me?” popped in my head, as if I was at fault for their preference, it was so sad! I really hated myself, harshly through my teen years.
so now, at 22, I make it my priority to not let anyone hurt me, I take care of myself, my happiness, my gentle soul and make it my priority to surround myself with people, that make me happy, and accept me for who I am, they still call me weird sometimes, but I’ve gotten comfortable enough with them, that being weird sounds cute to me, they say, “you’re weird,” I say, “I know,” and we laugh about it, because I know at the end of the day, they will still want to hang out with me, because I’m awesome.
Nobody will make a commitment to make you happy, and if you go out of your way to make someone else happy, just know that they will always be unsatisfied. there is always something to work on and you will always end up falling short when it comes to meeting someone else’s expectations, they will expect perfection from you, and you will forget who you are trying to reach something that’s unreachable. you have to be aware that you’re beautifully imperfect and that’s okay, because the world will send you the people that are meant to be good for you when you’re ready to let go and allow for something better to come into your life.
I have a lot of similarities with one of my dearest friend, we’re both lefties, actresses (honestly I think that’s it.) Oh! and we have a deep affection for good food. She finds me the weirdest but still likes to hang out with me, she tells me the truth, without sounding like there is something wrong about me. When we don’t agree on something, we accept that I like certain things my way, and she likes it her way, and that’s totally fine, we agree to disagree.
it’s honestly one of my healthiest relationships, I’d be okay to one this one than a bunch of friendships that don’t make me feel happy.
Two words: A Necessity.
Sometimes I can get a little bit too anxious and stressed out, and though I’m a work in progress to the path of living a positive life, sometimes my negative thinking gets the best of me. I worry a lot about little things, if you compare it with bigger problems, things that don’t really matter after a days passed. I get anxious and impatient about my acting career, people, dating, a job that I have just to pay the bills while I succeed as an actress, to sum it all up: my life in general can feel a tiny bit all over the place…or so it looks that way in my head.
This past month though, I’ll admit that I have been living in my brain, in doubt and anxiety, after working so hard for inner peace, it seemed like everything has been crumbling down and hell broke loose (inside). I haven’t been able to meditate, I have been waking up grumpy, I have been self-conscious and I have been talking down on myself, not in a “you really suck” kind of negative self-talk, but in a “no one will ever love you” type of self-talk. I haven been annoyed by people, and I have been hitting the snooze button more than twice. Yike!
It’s been really stressful for me, and I don’t mean to be a negative Nancy, but I am writing about this to not only liberate myself, but also to show you that not everyone’s life is “crazy amazing/ I’m traveling the world while blogging about it and getting paid for it”
Hell! I’m not even close to traveling the world.
But this is okay, being vulnerable is okay, being open and admitting that things aren’t so great is okay, sometimes the wall we constantly have put up can come down, it’s healthy to bring it down, liberating, you’re letting those negative feelings you’ve held inside, out. I love having my wall down, and admitting that I’m not okay because that’s when things start to get better.
On Saturday Night, I decided to disconnect, I chose to just pamper myself and meditate, focus on “me” time and show “me” some loving. I got myself a fifty minute deep tissue massage, and got myself some products to take a bubbly bath, after I finished my amazing massage, which left me feeling light, and present, and clear-headed (obviously a much needed massage).
I went home and got my bathtub ready for a hot bath (very hot bath btw) and took my headphones and my phone and started listening to “letting go” titled meditation videos on Youtube. I was so light and my brain was so quiet, I was at peace with myself, my surroundings, really my life, I was at peace with everything, I wasn’t angry, honestly, I wasn’t anything at all, at that exact moment, I was just being, breating, experiencing.
Before my bath experience, I got my room ready and set for bed. I’m really big on sleep, so I set my room to sleep time before I just flop and pass out on my bed, I have been doing this habit for about two years, non-stop, every day, Honestly, I don’t think I’ll be able to pass out without my ritual. This is what I like to do: I have a humidifier, and I like to sleep with my room smelling very earthy, I love nature, the smell of it centers my soul and grounds me. I also have a night lamp that when turned on, projects the ocean as if we’re looking from under water to the top, and I use the red light, More on why red later.
I try to block out any lighting that might disrupt me, the clock, the air conditioner, a watch, the light coming through the door, I block everything, no outside lighting is allowed in my room, it’s a blog post alone if I simply talk about it, so I will get back to it later. I put on the ocean sounds, and also I have this little machine that can block out outside noise, I put both of these on.
My friend recently got me a Himalayan salt lamp that changes the aura of the room, honestly since I’ve gotten this lamp, I’ve been able to stay longer asleep. she mentioned it was suppose to relax me, and this gift has been a life saver for staying asleep. I woke up one day, wanting to go back to bed, I just turned it on and I was able to pass out immediately afterward!
This is my entire bed process, and honestly I’m glad I have one, I always have a good nights rest.
After my relaxing bath, I got to bed and started writing, usually I write about my day, or my life, or whatever is going on in my brain, but this particular night, I chose to write about surrendering my soul to the universe, I chose to give up control and let the universe take charge on what’s best for my life, specifically the things I can’t control. Afterwards, I was able to sleep like a baby, this night got me back to my usual happy self, and I felt fully rested by the morning.
I was so happy that I got to pick this night for myself,I found myself in much need of it. Taking the time to pausing the outside world and slowing your thought is a necessity we all need to do, man or woman, to find our inner peace. I’ve realized the world isn’t going to slow down for us, we’ll always be needing to catch up to it. It’s really up to me to decide wether I need to take care of my own needs and go at my suitable pace rather than completely disregarding myself to outward things that don’t really matter.
How do you pamper yourself? How do you show yourself that you actually matter and deserve to be where you are? We’re so used to depending on other people to let us know that we belong that we forget we also have an opinion as well and disregard it as something unimportant when it comes to how we view ourselves because that’s just something “we don’t do”.
If you don’t show yourself how much you deserve the world, who will do it for you? Outside opinions change on a dime, remember that.
I matter, just as much as you do.
This book wasn’t a hard cover piece, or really anything I could actually grasp with my hands. This one I listened to, it was an audio book, I have had a couple of audio books piled up in my amazon audible app (Which I will eventually empty) but because I have been a bit stressed out about things that really mean nothing at all compared to world problems, I decided to go ahead and re-read it for a second time, yup, once more.
Side Note: I recommend getting your hands on a material that you’ve enjoyed reading and try giving it a go for yet another time. When I listened to this book for a second time, I felt like I understood it better, like the words were actually going through my brain now and were sticking with me. I found myself really laughing when the speaker threw in a joke, rather than just doing my errands blankly as if I hand’t heard a joke (which was how I listened to it on my first time)
anyway, to put it simply, In this book Mark Manson is simply stating that we can choose what to care, or not care about, that’s it.
“The art of not giving a fuck. Subtly.”
Its funny because I’ve been doing this for about a year now: I’ve been living my life focusing on what’s going right instead of dwelling on what’s going wrong, I just never realized that I can also use this practice with what I care/not care about. Being someone that cares just a little too much, It’s a bit challenging for me to not care about certain things in my life or in the world. When I focus on what’s working, it’s not like I don’t care about the rest of the world, I’m not narcissistic, I care a ton about everything, sometimes a little too much.
thank you, Universe, for making me a very caring human being, it’s both a blessing and a curse.
I feel like Mark Manson is the tough gym teacher every sensitive kid needs in their life (where were you when I needed you Mark?), he’s not sugar coating anything, actually he talks about how this particular book isn’t some step guide to your best, most happiest life, in fact he states that life isn’t great sometimes, and that THAT is totally fine. Its very liberating to have someone else admit this truth: a lot of people portray their best selves online and make it seem like their life is amazing (literally that’s everyone on social media) but sometimes it’s not so great and that’s totally okay.
He’s very straight forward, real honest about himself, and a no bull-shit type of guy, he reminds me of a New Yorker, straight to the point… but nicer. His range of different advice comes from his own true experiences. Becoming broke after college and starting an online business due to having nothing to lose, to experiencing the death of a friend that led him into being a lot more responsible to a breakup that made him a better man to later relationships and to admitting the true failure of just falling in love with the idea of being a musician and actually not enjoying the work it takes to get there.
This is what I learned from him: work towards the things that make you happy, because 1. There will always be someone or something that will disrupt your sense of peace, that is the balance of life. 2. You’re eventually going to die, life isn’t about just living it, it’s about looking back on your death bed and deciding wether you lived a good life or not. 3. Your life is yours to live and no one else’s, try making your life decisions based on what’s best for you and the things that make you happy in life, not on someone else’s approval, because outward opinions change on a dime.
I certainly recommend this book.
Last week I was contacted by a blog that feature’s people’s stories (called Roads We Take) to write about my journey that’s lead me to where I am today, and I am happy to be sharing this post with you ❤ Thank you RWT.
Right now, you listen to a lot of Elvis Presley, you’re extremely curious about people, and you’re very sensitive, you want to be kinder but people are used to rudeness so they will be rude to everyone else because you know they’re rejected and neglected. You can’t force someone out of their habit, but you think you’re awesome and you think your life is okay, but not yet where you want it to be, and you’re still living at home. You know you’re stronger than who you were three years ago and you feel like you’ve come closer to who you are but you believe the best is yet to come. You are alone a lot and wish you had more genuine friends, instead of meeting superficial people. You find yourself reading a lot of good motivational books, and you enjoy writing a lot now; you would love…
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When I was very young, Even to this day: I always stood out. Always. No matter how hard I tried to fit in, there was always something I did, that didn’t fit in with the crowd.
1. I am a lefty and before I went to acting school, I felt like the only lefty in the whole world, everyone around me was a righty, it was impossible to sit in class without someone having something to say, “you’re weird” (a reason why I find the word weird not to be so great, working towards letting it go). This immediately made me the outcast.
2. When I found another lefty buddy (ya’ll my homies no matter what), I was like, “oh heeeeeeey new bestie 🙆🏻♀️”, (in my head of course because how can I possibly throw my new-found puppy love into someone who is forced to fit it 🤦🏻♀️); we would immediately bond (but really just Hi & Bye) because we know we’re rare (except for my now dearest friend, who is a lefty but hated me in the beginning of our friendship for inexplicable reasons 🤷🏻♀️). Feeling less alone was an awesome feeling! I felt relatable! I had some one I could talk to about our loneliness, it was awesome until oh wait, “you write upside down? I’ve never seen anything like it! You’re weeeeeeird.”
Wonder-ful (just like that, wonder [pause] ful)
I’ve always disliked being called weird, I’ve disliked being the outcast, I always wanted to fit in and be like everyone else, I wanted to have a lot of friends and hang out with my family without feeling like I’m pretending to be someone else, I’ve always had to do myself a disservice because god forbid I become the center of attention for my differences in a room full of sameness.
Yes. growing up was double very tough, it still really is sometimes; Because I didn’t know so much about mindfulness back then, I would let it get the best of me: depression, self-hatred, not eating (because I wanted to be skinny so bad), suicidal thoughts were very comforting is all I will sum it up to.
I know during the teen years, individuality can seem like the worst of everything, and I honestly don’t know anything else to say about it but to hold on teen soldier!
It was difficult, but when I decided to let go of being someone else and become who I am, I feel like the Universe started working for me. After I gave up the idea of pleasing people and started pleasing myself, my world shifted a little bit, for the better, I found people who accepted me for who I was, even if I was weird, they found me uniquely special, and I loved being accepted, I wasn’t forced to do anything I didn’t want to do, in fact, people respected me for it.
I was fascinated with the idea to agree TO disagree, which is perfectly acceptable and actually highly recommended for good relationships. Anyway, letting go of people who don’t even serve you is when the universe will say, “you’re learning now.” And will start working for you instead of you working for it. It can become difficult at first, the fear of being alone can really get the best of us and make us feel like we don’t really matter in the universe.
But, to be honest with you, when I started working towards finding who I am as an individual, that’s where I found more of my true sense of belonging, and the beginning for better friendly relationships. It’s a lot more work forcing yourself into becoming someone you are not to fit into a group of people than to please yourself and let the things come as they may.
Honestly, who would you rather be?